How Does It Feel To Wake Up With Anxiety Everyday!
I have anxiety and its consequences are worse than anyone can imagine. I can’t be completely happy, because my anxiety tells me that this happiness is temporary and sorrow is around the corner. And when I am in sorrow, anxiety tells me that i’ll never be happy again.
Anxiety has been there for me for two years now. Initially, it was just panic attacks once a month or depending on the pent up stress. But now! Now its like it never leaves me. There are no panic attacks because truth be told, I don’t need them. This constant suffocation is enough to drown me in the deep black ocean of negativity and doubts.
Anxiety tells me, i’m sick and I am going to suffer and then eventually die. EVERYDAY. Anxiety tells me I don’t deserve love and that’s why I haven’t been with a man for three years. Anxiety tells me I am not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough. Anxiety has taken away my confidence. I used to be such a confident person, It literally showed on my face. But now, my face is filled up with acne and distress. Should I blame anxiety for it? Or myself?
Anxiety has made me feel guilty for every negative thought I am having, even though it’s her, I still feel, it’s me. May be part of it is to do with the fact that I live alone, because when I am with my parents or friends, I don’t feel it. The loneliness has given me anxiety and I have accepted it like it’s my responsibility.
How I knew I have Anxiety
I used to be quite and resistant to this feeling. I used to deny and ignore it in the name of stress and negative thoughts. Then slowly it trapped me in it’s cage of darkness like I am some bait and it can feed off me to get inside my head. To my surprise (or not), it succeeded. I let it succeed. I was so naive and fond of bad thoughts that I let it creep in with permission and a visa for a longer time than it was supposed to stay. It stays now. Without the permission or the visa. It triggers my deepest and darkest fears and brings them to reality like they’re all real and messes up with my brain. I can hear it laughing around the corner seeing my myseries ! “What a loser”, it scoffs at me. So, when this feeling of constant fear and sadness stayed for a longer time than it was supposed to, I finally accepted that I have anxiety.
How I cope with it- Everyday
I don’t know how, but with difficulties, you also get strength to fight against them. So, I fight with it rather than HER winning. She used to win. But now, it’s me. I hate losing and hate to lose to myself even more. The worst feeling is not when you lose someone else, but when you lose yourself. So I refuse to do that. Also, Now I understand why everyone keep saying to TALK ABOUT IT! After ranting here about my mental health which apparently affects my physical health, I feel a little better! Like a burden off my chest! May be it was time to finally open up about this and tell the world that the happiest people suffer too! But they know the value of happiness and so, they fight better and smile more. They know what they are facing is not bigger than them. They know that they aren’t made of difficulties but the difficulties are made of them and so, they might as well destroy them at will.
